As I sit and write this my eyes are not on the screen. They are glancing over at tiny hands slowly pumping into the air. My fingers are typing anxiously as I wonder when they will turn from cute fist pumps to full-fledged crazy arms like the blowup guy at car dealerships. My foot is tapping a rock and play where another little body is making grunts and weird faces that may very well turn into screams if my foot loses its rhythm. I know I only have a few minutes before someone loses their shit and I have to do Paci-control. Now, 10 minutes in and so far so good, although a second set of eyeballs seem to be gravitating my way…I am scared to look.

My twin girls will be three months in eight days. I can’t wrap my head around this. Sometimes when I think about this I think back to several months ago, as a very big bellied pregnant girl found excuses to drive by Cookout Burgers for a milkshake, and that I was annoyed with having to pee every 30 minutes. Sometimes when I think about this, I think back even further, to about a year ago this time… when my only responsibility was to make sure I locked the house before I left, and I spent all my free time planning my weekends. What a difference a year makes.

Sometimes I want to fast-forward… To six or seven months… maybe we will get 10 hours of sleep from them… Or to two years maybe they’ll be potty trained… Or six years and the adventures we will have… But then my finger scrolls past a picture of a newborn, so small my entire hand formed around her little head-  supporting her while she ate. Or I find a newborn diaper that I placed in a pile for pregnant friend. And I cry. I whimper like the hormonal wreck I am. Why am I daydreaming of sleep- trained babies and potty trained toddlers and future explorers? These days are coming and going so quickly. Their smiles are getting bigger their diapers getting tighter…

Before I know it my foot is on autopilot. In one rock and play I can only see a head of blonde curls, but I can hear her cooing softly. The baby in front of me has dozed off hands held in front of her, the slightest smirk on her lips. It’s in this moment I realize for the billionth time how incredibly precious they are. and they are mine. I realize in these moments I could tiptoe away, go upstairs and work out, pour myself a glass of wine, indulge in trash TV. But I find myself staying here, my foot following a silent lullaby, because these moments are special; these moments are my life now. There’s nowhere else I need to be. Not six months from now, not two years from now. The right here, right now, that’s where I’m needed the most.